The match against Carlton was called off due to them not having a team, so obviously there is no match report, in its place is how we think things might have gone…
Old Headingley lined up against Carlton Athletic reserves with sneering derision. Before them were not the 11 men they have shared numerous battles with throughout last season. Yes, there were eight players remaining from last season’s team, but they were now joined by former Manchester United fullback Paul Parker, Krispin Mills from Kula Shaker and former Old Headingley Captain Chris Street.
Gillespie's lion, Andre.
Old Headingley were welcoming back Dave Gillespie to the fold after he had decided to take the summer off whilst he toilet trained his new lion, Andre. Gispo had brought Andre to the match for moral support and also to guard his stash of jagermeister. Kieran Burns, as you’d expect, had taken to riding it around the centre circle giggling to himself whilst singing “Bare Necessities” in Welsh. Andy Williams, who had come to watch, started throwing tangerines at Will screeching “Look, la, you should show me some respect, I’m the jungle VIP, la.”
The action had been tasty so far with challenges flying in like whizz-bangs. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, it all ended in tears. A typically late Paul Parker challenge on Daniel Keating sent the former Boca Juniors trialist into the stands created a melee of such ferocity that it took the referee 8 minutes to restore order. When everyone had gotten ‘up and out of each’s faces’ as eternal street thug Danny Burns had put it, a faint whimper could be heard. Sat on the fence, clearly feeling uncharacteristically repentant for what he’d done, Paul Parker sat weeping. Gav Johnstone sighed to himself.
Gav then took it a step further and kicked a hedgehog at Parker screaming ‘Paul, you pissy little runt, man the fuck up or I’ll fuck. You. Up.” Harwood hated this foul and abusive side of Gav that had been evident since the start of the match when he rolled a hamster ball full of wasps at Streety.
Parker had put his arms inside his shirt and was crying salty, hot tears of pain. “I just want to be loved” he moaned. “I just want someone to take me to THE PROM”. In an unrelated event, Rio immediately pulled his shorts up to show a little more thigh.
Half time came with the crowd circling Fryer’s boys, jeering and pointing. Lewis was guzzling some water when he dropped the bottle as a swan flew past and hit him on the head. Harrington picked up the bottle and drank. “Fackin’ Nora, Guv” the Essex charmer screeched, “this ain’t water, this is red wine!” Gav sighed. An 8 year old Carlton fan then asked Lewis, “Are you Jesus Christ?” “No, I’m just Lewis from the block,” the Patrick Kielty fanclub organiser replied.
An old lady overhears. “Oh great King, for these many years I have been unable to read. Please, King teach me to read.”
By time half time was over, Lewis attained a motley band of followers. “Please Lord! Make silver rain from the sky!” they chorused. And make is rain metal Lewis did…but little did they know Lewis was going to nail bomb their houses later that night.
Adey scored a handballed goal but that was by the by to those on both sides as the swan that had attacked Lewis had met up with 10 of his swan mates and had dug a whole right where Paul Leonard had been doing tumbles whilst singing ‘Ooops upside your head’. The swans had pinned Paul against the side of their hole and were interrogating him as to the whereabouts of their chief.
“Uh-oh…” gulped new boy Tim Curtis. “This might be my fault,” he said to Hasson. Hasson didn’t care as he had the fidgets and had started putting straightened paper clips through the worms he was planning to have for lunch and making an organic version of kerplunk.
The swans were trying to waterboard Leonard but due to their lack of opposable thumbs, were really struggling to make any headway. “Stop!” cried Curtis.
“Only if you give us back captain Swanson,” trumpeted Vice-Admiral Swansonite
“But he has the answer,” pleaded an increasingly agitated Curtis.
“You are aware Chief Swanson had his swan tongue cut out by the Otters Empire 65 weeks ago to this very day?”
“Er, no, he didn’t say,” conceded Curtis who was now thinking that the chiefs reluctance to talk was less typical swan bravado and more after effects of a serious assault.
“Any way the answer to what?” asked the Swan VP.
“He knows how to make a new colour,” conceded Tim.
“A new colour? But surely that’s impossible.”
“I thought so too, but then I was told that luminous brown and neon gray actually existed.”
Before Tim could explain further, referee blew for full time which scared off the swans which was lucky.
Turned out, Carlton had scored an equalizer but luckily some other Old Headingley player had scored too. Probably Phil Harrington. So Old Headingley won…woop!!11
Man of the match, Kieran Burns
Man of the Match: Kieran Burns
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